I wanna be a free range mom.

So I saw this article the other day, about the anti-helicopter parenting of New York freelance writer Lenore Skenazy as she allowed her nine year old to ride the subway home from Bloomingdales, alone, and got an uproar of both supporters and haters.  So she started freerangekids, a new blog which promotes the idea that our children will not probably die if not wrapped in bubble wrap and constantly watched like a hawk.  I...I like this idea.  I like it a lot.  I am one of just a few mommies in my neighborhood that allows my kids play outside without being out there with them.  They have a pretty wide swath of freedom, within 10-12 houses in either direction mind you, and they know to call if they go inside someone else's house to play, they know to let me know where they will be.  Sometimes they forget, and pay a consequence.  They learn from it.

I live in the suburbs.  In Kansas.  No, its not Mayberry, but it ain't Gary, Indiana either.  It's green lawns and big, fenced yards and lots of Keeping up With the Jones, with a little splash of Desperate Housewives.  It's pretty safe.  Yet there are children who live within direct line-of-sight of my yard who are not allowed to come play in my backyard, even while a parent is outside doing something like lawnmowing or washing the car, because then that parent doesn't have an eye trained directly on that child.  This, I do not understand.

I was a latchkey kid in the 80's.  I went to after school care when younger, but by the time I was in 4th grade, I had my own key to the house on the same chain as my bike lock key.  I was responsible for my 1st grader brother, and I came home every day after school and watched TV and beat him up and ate white chocolate baking squares for snack out of the pantry.  My brother and I called my mom at work half a dozen times every afternoon to tattle on the other one (the rule was we could not leave the house, she could call us at ANY TIME and if we didn't answer our butts were toast.  This was before caller id and even answering machines, at least at my house.)  It may not have been the arrangement my mother preferred, but it was the arrangement that fit in her pocketbook at the time, and we all survived. 

When my kids were younger, yes, I watched them outside more carefully, I wanted to be there in case they fell off a bike, or to make sure they weren't riding out into the street in front of a zooming teenager in a giant SUV.  But also, I wanted to be out there because I didn't want to be the mommy letting all the other mommies watch my kids, since they were all out there being paranoid anyway.  Although, the mommy  camaraderie, and for a few blissful minutes of not doing anything else but standing around, was fun in a busy world.  But now, I have shit to do, people.  My kids, 5 and 7, are quite capable of taking care of themselves outside.   

This despite that sometimes one of them comes running into the house to tattle on some behavior I would have interfered with had I been out there.  Or for that matter, someone comes in bleeding and crying.  That's called, Oh I don't know, BEING KIDS.  It's why we have Bactine and Band-Aids and kisses for making it all better, and tissues to wipe away the tears.  And we then give them a cookie and send their asses back outside.

And yes, sometimes I come out of my front door screaming because I walk by a window and see them doing something I don't like, for instance, shooting a nerf gun too close to someone's face or sitting on the top of the playset roof, or trying to reach down in the sewer out by the curb with a long stick.  I'm sure my neighbors think, "Well, if she were out here watching she would have noticed that before it became a problem!" 

Look, I do have helicopter parent tendencies.  I am right now questioning my judgement in allowing my oldest to go to a laser tag birthday party coming up soon.  I don't like them playing with guns, at all, but I have forced myself to chill out on that as they've gotten a little older and can understand rules about shooting near the face, etc.  They are boys, and I have to let them play boy games and not suppress the natural tendencies.  I am the first one to react when I hear that something has happened at school, either with a teacher or another student.  And I have always been rather hyper about self-esteem and ADHD issues that may affect my kids negatively, as I don't want them to go through what happened to me as a kid in school along those lines. 

But in the end, I think I'm a pretty easy going parent.  I want my kids to know that I'll always be there for them when they need me, but they have to learn their own way.  I don't want them to go off to college and think they can do what they want, I'll always rescue them.  I want them to have the right decision making skills, and kids don't get that by being told what to think or do, they get it by learning it the hard way.  By being allowed to get into those tough spots and making a choice, right or wrong. 

Would I let my nine year old take public transportation, alone?  Can't say.  But I don't live where that's even an option.  If I had grown up in NYC, knew the city and subway lines and how it worked, I would probably be more comfortable. 

Comments

[cagey]

You hit a hot button topic for me. Oh, BOY.

I feel very safe in our neighborhood. Our 2.5 year old son knows not to run into the street. He does tend to wander away down the street, though so NO, I am not yet comfortable letting him outside alone. We do let him play in the backyard alone, though because we have lots of windows and can keep an eye on him. And when he is in the front yard, we do run inside to do quick things (pick up a phone, tissue or something). I could see him being ready by the time he is 5, though. Maybe even 4. Totally!

However, I am worried about a neighbor calling DFCS on our asses than I am about my kid's safety - meaning, I think he is safe here. I can tell folks think we are crazy about letting him even go "all the way to the sidewalk" while we stay in the driveway. Sigh.

[cagey]

Meant to add - I go back and forth on being worried about folks calling DFCS or conversely, stunting my kid's growth in being able to explore his world.

I ran all over the place when I was 5 years old - down to the neighbor's a mile away, through a pasture rife with snakes, etc. When I was 7, I was living in town, running all the place on my bike. I just had to be home by dark. When I was 9, we were in the country again, and I was running all over the place, through woods, riding my bike for MILES on gravel roads.

Bah.

[SJ]

What a great topic of discussion.

"But in the end, I think I'm a pretty easy going parent. I want my kids to know that I'll always be there for them when they need me, but they have to learn their own way. I don't want them to go off to college and think they can do what they want, I'll always rescue them. I want them to have the right decision making skills, and kids don't get that by being told what to think or do, they get it by learning it the hard way. By being allowed to get into those tough spots and making a choice, right or wrong."

Amen sister, amen.

[Julie]

I'll add my amen also.
My 14 year old roams the town (population 1500 pretty much in the boonies - 20 miles from Wichita KS) but everybody knows everybody and if he's doing something wrong I know before he gets home.

My 5 year old can go play by herself outside as long as she stays in our yard (6 acres). She can't go into town by herself because of speeders on a 1/4 mile stretch of road that links us to town. When she's older yes, how old? Probably 7 or so.
The 20 month old can go outside with sister as long as they stay in the front yard or on the back porch. They go farther than that and sister (age 5) gets in trouble.
Why? Because as you say - They need to have the right decision making skills - even from an early age.

[Three M in Dallas]

I am a call to CPS waiting to happen. I live in the big city and let my 10, 7 and 5-year olds dig in dirt, run relays, ride bikes and whatever else they dream up with free access to our entire street. They also yell at and periodically knock the snot out of each other knowing that a subsequent tattle will result in the entire lot returning to their rooms. Subsequently, I am considered the worst mom on the block by the 1/2 dozen preschool moms (all kids under 3), who live nearby. They've knocked on my door with the supposedly, well-meaning "do you know your kids are..." and stand outside with their raised eyebrows reflecting to each other "my kids will never..." Well, they're right. Their kids will never know the fun of a mudpie between their fingers or how much fun it is to get really, really dirty just because. Their kids won't experience how great the wind feels on their faces while flying full speed on their bikes with their hearts pumping a mile a minute. I, too, have a cabinet full of bactine and bandaids and a heart full of hugs and kisses for the subsequent boo-boos. Unfortunately, their kids also will never enjoy the empowerment of problem solving on their own, rescuing themselves and others, or the sense of self-confidence in themselves and their environment that I believe mine enjoy. Oh, did I mention that my kids walk the 3 blocks home from school together...without an adult?

[V]

I'm pretty laid back. But yes, when my kids are in the front yard I worry MORE about what the neighbors will think than fear that my girls will get into harms way. It's the other helicopter parents that are intruding on my girls' learning to take care of themeslves.

[CadyKansas]

Three M in Dallas just reminded me of a horrific accident my brother had when we were kids that I admit has slightly colored my view of bikes. He came speeding down the hill and hit a crack in the sidewalk and went ass over elbow onto the ground and laid there, unconscious. My mother didn't even know he was out there until an elderly couple out for an afternoon walk rang the doorbell and said, "Is that your son?" He had a concussion and a nasty bloody mess on the side of his head and went to the ER. He was, I think, six. I can be a little OCD about the helmet wearing for my kids, but otherwise, most things heal quickly. :)

[Hope]

I recently took some career development classes and one of the HR managers told us that she has parents of college graduates call her up and follow up on the resumes of their children instead of the applicants themselves! This is what the futures of the children of the helicopter parents hold.

One of my coworkers asked me for help in filling out her son's financial aid form and was totally surprised when I said I never have done it since it has been computerized, that my daughter does her own.... I figure if she wants money to go to college she'd better figure it out!

So this crap lasts much, much longer than playing in the yard and taking the subway.

[Three M in Dallas]

V--I hear ya! My kids are required to always wear helmets and they have added, now, elbow pads for rollerblading (after a one-time, 5-stitch fall).

[KRS]

I will probably be one of the helicopter parents in the beginning just because I live just past a blind corner where folks fly around like it's the Indy 500 and because my front door is less than 100 feet from a 700+ acre lake that is easily 5 ft deep at the closest shore-line. We are also the only folks younger than 50 in our immediate area so there are no other older kids or parents who can keep them in their periphery.

[Backpacking Dad]

I so posted about this a couple of weeks ago. Right on. Right on.

Besides. Free Range kids, as the witch in Hansel and Gretel would say, just taste better.

[the mrs.]

My two are 2 and almost 4, and we live on a somewhat busy road, so going outside without me is not an option right now. But I played outside without my mom hovering over me, and even rode bikes around the neighborhood without adult supervision. Gasp! As soon as I can trust them not to play in traffic I'm sure I'll let the girls play with a little more freedom than they do right now.