I left my job yesterday. I've never left a job I loved so deeply, but I've also never before had a job which brought forth such a range of emotional or spiritual depth. It feels more final that in is, because I wil still be there on Easter morning, one more time, doing what I've always done the past two and a half years. But it's done. I am less elated and more devasted than I thought I would be. Walking out the door was easy. Realizing that I'm not going back was hard.
It hit me last night, in the car, on the way to soccer practice. I nearly began to cry driving down the highway in the misty rain, with the boys in the backseat, thankfully wearing headphones and more engaged in their DS videogames than on me and my sniffling nose, wet eyes, and suddenly full of saliva mouth. I held it together for a few more hours, and then last night I cried myself to sleep.
I thought I was done. But this morning I went to yoga with The Old Christine, knowing full well that I might lose it again, once relaxed and stretched. There is something about the exercise, mindful breathing and letting go of a yoga practice that sometimes gets you, and I was already vulnerable. After the class was over I made it back to my car, again, my safe place even though it's not even my car it's a rental (that's an entirely different story, for another day,) but it's big and comfy and warm. And then I Ugly Cried.
I pulled myself together, made my weekly trip to the store along with all the crazy people who are off work for Good Friday and apparently have no idea how shopping at Costco works. (Here's a summary: you go down the aisles on the left to the Wall of Meat in the back, turn right and navigate through fresh produce, and back up the right aisles to the checkout. It's not hard. You do not swim upstream or stop suddenly to look at the fucking flower pots, unless you want to get rammed from behind.)
I returned home, put away groceries, and then debated between a hot bath, or lining up shots of vodka. The bath won. I'm a Pisces, after all. Plus, I got rid of all the stolen accidently taken home from bars in college shot glasses in the last garage sale.
Monday I start anew. I am excited, but I'm also fighting back this horrible feeling that it's all a big mistake, I'd like to rewind back to April Fool's Day, please if you don't mind.
No? Well fine then. Away we go.
Video won't embed. Probably because Alanis is nekkid. It's an amazing metaphor, the nudity, given the lyrics anyway.