We're not in Kansas Anymore, Toto.

Fantastic Mr. Bin Laden. No, wait.

A few days ago the ever-curious little minds of my children were especially sharp as they readied their homework at the kitchen counter after school.  I swear I don't even know how some of these conversations get started, but anyway, suddenly they were asking me questions about the war in Afghanistan and Iraq. Like, why did we go to war there? And why are we still at war anyway? 

Well, it's complicated, I said, obviously stalling to gather my thoughts. I've never personally been a fan of these wars, but I also have the benefit of time, and we know so much more now than we did ten years ago. And, this may be revolutionary, but I generally try and impart a fair judgement when trying to communicate these things to my kids. I try to teach them the historical perspective, rather than my own, usually very political, perspective. I do this for a couple of reasons: First, my husband and I do not agree on much politically, and I am not about to circumvent that in order to bandwagon their thoughts on my side. He provides me with the same respect. Second, I am, if nothing else, a Liberal Arts student with a history minor, and history, in a strictly educational sense, is not emotional or political. It is factual. 

All this just to explain why, when my children asked me why we are at war, I didn't go off on a diatribe of how ridiculous it is and how much it has cost our country, both in dollars to our economy and in the lives of beautiful young statues who have been destroyed. 

What I said was, Well, we thought the 9-11 terrorists were connected to Afghanistan. We thought that their leader was hiding there, in the mountains. And then we thought the leaders of Irag were hiding terrorists, and weapons terrorists could use, and so we sent soldiers in to find these things, and destroy them before they were used to attack us again.  

But mommy, they said, why couldn't we find the terrorist leader? Why couldn't we just make the people tell us where he is?

I said, we can't assume someone is guilty by association just because of where they live, or what they believe or what they look like. if someone stuck a gun in your face, and said, Do you like Pokemon? Well DO YOU? You would probably deny liking Pokemon, because you're scared of what might happen if you admit that, when you didn't even know it was bad. That's what it was like for many, many of these people. So we had to investigate, and try and find the guilty people, which were often in the government, and leave the civilians alone. 

It didn't always work out that way, I said. That's how war works. It's not cut and dried. 

 But why can't we still find him, mom? Is he still there in the mountains? Can't we keep tracking them through the caves there?

Well, not really, I said. And then I came up with what I thought was a brilliant analogy.

It's like Fantastic Mr. Fox, I said. We've been reading the book recently and have seen the movie. In Fantastic Mr. Fox, the farmers keep digging and digging and digging, becoming obsessed with getting that fox, with killing him, because he's been stealing their chickens and so forth. They dig up the entire mountain and waste a ton of money in their endeavor to get that one fox. And they never catch him. Ultimately, he wins.

It changed the course of our little conversation, that analogy. Because suddenly, I had switched the bad guys and good guys. The good guys were the foxes, the ones being chased deeper into the ground, trying to escape the evil farmers. Nevermind that Mr. Fox is something of an antihero, committing crimes in order to continue his own survival (although within the natural instincts of a fox.) And he was being chased by people who didn't understand him, and wanted to kill him. Uh, not the image of Bin Laden I wanted to impart. But, I was stuck. I tried to adjust, but it was no use. Their next question totally threw me.

Didn't they find the leader guy in a little hole in the ground?

Uh, no. Wait, that was Saddam Hussein. The leader of Iraq. Different guy. 

But it was a hole, right? And the people were hiding him, and bringing him food?

Yes.

Why? 

Because he was a coward. And instead of protecting his people, whom he had claimed to love, he hid in a foxhole and let them starve while their economy fell apart. But they didn't really understand what was going on because he'd been lying to them. And the United States and other countries, under the United Nations, ended up taking over his government to try and teach them how to piece themselves back together and be a functioning country again. But again, they didn't really understand so that didn't work out the way we'd hoped, either. And that's why we're still there. *

So, do the bad guys always hide?

Mostly, yes. 

So, war doesn't really solve anything?

Yeah, pretty much.

Maybe it is that simple. 

 

 

* I realize this is overly simplistic, people. They are kids, and I am not Christianne Amanpour for crying out loud. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Left of Center, off of the Strip.

Yeah, I know. I said I was back, and then I disappeared again, and then I showed up with that Wrinkle In Time-like post. Sorry 'bout that. I had a rather bizarre week last week, so bizarre in fact, that I could barely even put words to it. I kept wanted to post under the title WORST WEEK EVER but, it didn’t seem like such a good idea to tempt the fates that way. 

 

So, in case you're interested, here's the 140 max character version of last week:

• one of the kids overflowed a toilet upstairs and now there is shit water running down the wall in my kitchen. Awesome. 8:15 AM Jan 14th
• now the dog is puking. OF COURSE HE IS. 8:32 AM Jan 14th
• @soccerdad I'll tell you what I win. I win treating myself to the biggest, most froufrou Starbucks drink I can think of. 8:43 AM Jan 14th  in reply to soccerdad
• double shot this, betches. 8:44 AM Jan 14th
• one kid goes to school, the other gets to stay home & snuggle his superhot little body next to mine. Silver linings 7:43 AM Jan 15th
• Dear Universe: Seriously, UNCLE. just helped my husband push his stupid, dead, oil-leaking car off the driveway and onto the curb. GAH 10:10 PM Jan 15th

And then THIS week, while most people were all Hey! It’s Inauguration Day! At my house we were all, Huh, The Garage Door is Broken Day, and there goes another $250 out of my checkbook.  Sa-weet.

And now, 6 days later, the dealership still has my husband’s car, and they know it’s leaking oil from somewhere, but they can’t find the hole.  It’s become a CHALLENGE for the mechanic, they say.  Really? Because GETTING TO WORK has become a challenge, for us. But you know, whatever. Knock yourself out. Just fucking FIX IT.

Have I mentioned that my husband and I both work about 15 miles from home, in opposite directions?

Yeah. sigh.

Anyway, aside from all that drama, I am really hoping that this week is better. I mean, it started off well - it's the end of politics as we know it, right? We celebrated the end of The Bush Administration, and all the idiocy that goes with it. If I were going to use book titles to name Presidential Administrations, I'd call that one A Confederacy of Dunces. And the new one? The Stand. Because it ain't gonna be all balls and parades, my friends. It's gonna suck, for a long time. My hope is that this President, this Administration, will make it suck less than it could have been, and leave it getting better for the next one.

So I am excited for that. 

But, you probably don't care about that.  You're really wondering why I'm quoting Suzanne Vega, yes?

Well, I'll tell you.

The other component of this past week is that my friend The Old Christine found some pictures of us from elementary school, and posted them to her Facebook account and tagged me.  Nothing really weird of goofy, (which had to be hard to do, with me in them, but anyway...) but fun pictures of some kind of hayride outing we went on as a class, back in sixth grade. I have NO MEMORY of this event, at all. I am not even kidding. I have lots of memories of elementary school, most of them about how sucky it was, but not this one. Perhaps because nothing bad, embarrassing or goofy happened to me that day. (Again, not likely.)

I was a weird kid, y'all.  And elementary school is hard on weird kids. It got better as I got older and kind of accepted who I was, and where I fit in on the foodchain, and made friends with the other weirdos.  And then I did better as the high school years kicked in, because as I got older I sort of grew out of my obscene weirdness, and was only mildly weird.  I got contacts, and had my braces removed, and learned how to wear makeup, and how to make my bangs pouf as high as possible using Sebastian Spritz (which I cannot find a google image of, but COME ON, I know you all remember that stuff!) Other kids had a difficult puberty and life got tougher for them in high school, but puberty was pretty good to me, as I kind of grew into myself, in a way.  The thing is, once you establish a place on the foodchain, you don't exactly move up.  You just get tolerated more by the folks higher than you. Which was really fine with me anyway, not like I wanted to be a coke-snorting cheerleader with my own special colored straw.

 

(Welcome to the burbs. In the 80’s. At the same school my kids will be attending! Hahahahahahha, oh shit.)

Anyway.

This working with teenagers thing is really interesting. And I mean that in a good way. It's fun, they are all good kids.  But the oddest thing has been happening to me from being around them.  I'm having all these flashbacks to when I was in school.  Tonight over dinner the discussion became about what they are reading in class (or trying not to read, as it were), and I started remembering all the things that I read in English class. The Shakespeare was good, for me anyway. A Separate Peace was bad.  Although recently I've heard that some of the fundie freaky-freakies are trying to get it removed from high school reading lists because of the homosexuality, and I was all, Wha? Totally didn't catch that, personally, I just thought it sucked because it was boring. BORING. If I’d known it was all about the innuendo of gay love it would have been much more interesting a read.

So all of this is a long way around telling you why that ski story memory that popped into my brain the other night while driving home from the youth group at the church, and so I came home, kissed my kids goodnight, and then furiously typed away on the laptop to get it all out for you.

 

You’re Welcome.  We now go back to our regularly scheduled posting about Bizarre and Expensive Repairs at My Home.

 

 

They have never known the joy of a welfare Christmas.

I know it's not really a holiday song, but lately it has been playing on a loop in my head. Every time I walk past the Salvation Army bell ringer at Wal*Mart, every time someone mentions the recession we are finally able to acknowledge we are in, every time someone mentions a food pantry (which is often when you work at a church during this time of year) That phrase immediately fires up in my brain:

I hate those people who love to tell you
money is the root of all that kills.
They have never been poor,
They have never known the joy
Of a welfare Christmas.

Youtube link here

I generally don't appreciate being lectured at by rock stars, but Everclear got this one right way back when.  They got a lot of political activist type things right, actually, in their music, which I can always appreciate. 

Another song I heard recently for the first time is from P!nk, Dear Mr. President.

Wow. She doesn't usually do it live on tour when in the US, which I can understand.  It's pretty clear to me that if the Dixie Chicks had said what they did now instead of at the beginning, there would have been no backlash, because now we all know what a crock of shit it all was, and economically we are paying the price.

 Years ago, my grandfather told me something important about Presidential politics.  I don't remember him being a very political person, he was kind of quiet and sweet and didn't really get into controversial current event topics much, preferring instead to dig into historical tomes.  But one time he told me, no matter what happens, you don't knock The President of the United States.  You don't talk bad about the person leading the country. You don't have to like him, but you support him, he is our leader.

I've tried to stick to that, believe it or not.  For the past 8 years I have tried not to engage in conversation beyond that I think George W. Bush is an absolute idiot.  There have been many times when I really could have gone off about how crazy and embarrassed the man makes me feel, but I haven't.  Partially out of respect for the office, and partially because I get so angry it's hard to have a decent conversation with someone who wants to defend him, although at this point even the most ardent conservatives I know are sighing in total exasperation.

But, back to Christmas.  So many more people will have a welfare Christmas this year than last. And probably next year, too, it will get worse before it gets better. I'm thankful that we are comfortable, if not a little tight, personally. I'm thankful for the chance to teach my children about poverty and food pantries and soup kitchens and how important it is to help others without experiencing it first hand, like this afternoon when we're taking Drew's cub scout den down to sort donations at Harvesters.  I am thankful for stories like The Grinch Who Stole Christmas and The Polar Express to show them what it means to love, to give, to help. 

I'm thankful to be outside looking in at that life, today.

If we can't make fun of ourselves, then what do we have?

 an email I received earlier this evening, when I needed the chuckle.

From the MANITOBA HERALD, Canada

A flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.

 

The possibility of a McCain/Palin election is prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly.

 

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal rights activists, and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.

 

I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota.

 

The producer was cold, exhausted, and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte  and some free-range chicken.

 

When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

 

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."

 

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border, and leave them to fend for themselves.

 

"A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. "They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though."

 

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border,  often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the McCain administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to shoot wolves from airplanes, deny evolution, and act out drills preparing them for the Rapture.

 

In recent days, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways ofcrossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers on Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney hits to prove they were alive in the '50s.

 

"If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said.

 

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are  creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.

 

"I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history and English majors does one country need?"

(thank you, Alan.)

Ms. Palin, if you're nasty.

I haven't posted much about politics lately, because I'm just so damn tired of it being all everybody talks about, no matter which side you're on. I feel like we've been listening to the political positioning for YEARS, and I'm bored with it.  This is dangerous I think, and I wish the politicians would realize this.  I wish they would realize that starting the campaigning earlier and earlier just burns out the American public, and by the time we actually go to the polls, for every person who's gotten more excited since their candidate crossed the convention stage, there's like two that don't care anymore and would rather just watch Wipeout. 

But last night I watched Governor Palin speak at the RNC, more out of queasy curiosity than anything else.  And I really like her, I have to say.  I'm not voting for her, of course, because I like my uterus being under my own control, thank you very much, and I can't stomach any of her positions on guns, the war, the economy, or really anything else, either. But she's spunky and invigorating, and a nice breath of fresh air in a party of old white men.  I feel like if we came across each other as working moms somewhere, despite our personal and political differences, that she'd be fun to sit down with and have a glass of wine.  I also think that in four years, when she's had a little more experience with navigating national politics, she could be a force to be reckoned with.

However.

I've been very bothered by all the conversations swinging around on the internet about her since her nomination to VP candidate.  I'm bothered by the attention on her family.  I'm appalled by the liberal attacks on her ability to mother her brood and navigate her job in politics.  And I'm just as annoyed by the conservatives using her family as an entity to be spun and twisted into what works for their platform. 

People, listen up.  If we continue to talk about whether and how this woman can manage her family and her job, we will set working women back 50 years, no matter which side you take.

I am not down with that.

It doesn't matter how old her youngest child is, or how soon she will become a grandmother. It doesn't matter that she's a parent of a special needs infant, or a pregnant teenager.  Or that she has a son going to Iraq, and two adorable little girls in the middle who need her. 

What matters is she chose to take this step, and she has a right to take that step. She has just as much right to do it as anyone else, regardless of their family situation.  It's her decision how she manages her family, and her job. We have no right to judge her for how she manages her family.  We have every right to judge her for how she performs her job.  And everyone expressing an opinion about that needs to get over it, and move on to the important topics.  Nobody is judging Obama for how little he's going to be available to father his two little girls as President.  It shouldn't be part of the conversation. 

We can chose to not like her for her politics.  We can even chose to personally not appreciate that she is indeed an ambitious, career-focused woman trying to raise a family.  It's our right as Americans, to create a self-imposed ceiling on our career so that it would not interfere with raising a family.  But I will not judge her out loud for the decision to do both. And I wish the rest of you wouldn't either.

PS - Stop objectifying her, too. Nobody photoshopped Joe Biden's head on Michael Phelp's body and sent it around the internet saying VPILF! Just stop it.