We're not in Kansas Anymore, Toto.

Bringing crazy back.

So, about 10 days ago I decided that I've had enough of trying to joke my way though all this weight gain which I think is mostly caused by the anti-depressant I've been on for the last year, and it isn't funny anymore. I've never in my life had trouble with my weight, the beauty of being ADHD is the racing metabolism (silver lining, baby, silver lining).  Even when I wasn't exercising regularly or doing the yoga, I was always pretty comfortable with my body.  I was always fairly skinny, just not well toned or athletic like you get with someone who is really into being physically fit. After my two boys were born, I lost my baby weight both times in a decent timeframe, and never really worried about it. 

The bottom line is there have always been plenty of things affecting my self-esteem, (or lack thereof) and my weight wasn't one of them.  But now it is. I saw a picture of myself that my husband had taken of me washing the dog out on the deck this summer, and I looked like a cow in a red tank top and khaki shorts - basically how I dressed all summer long, and it was horrible.  And I've started to realize that this is how other people are seeing me, too, and I'm the last to catch on.  I'm sure it's why I haven't been all that interested in sex, either, not because I'm not interested in my husband, but because I don't feel good about myself, my body, my gut, thighs, or double chins.

I started the anti-depressant for a number of reasons, there were a bunch of things in my life at that time that felt very out of control - job stress, money stress, family stress. The anxiety and inability to focus like I remember having as a child in school had returned.  The meds helped for a long time, I believe. It helped me manage my anxiety, deal better with the kids, stay calmer, longer.  Now that I have a new job and things aren't as tight and the kids are doing fine, much of that stress has been relieved. But apparently what you get in seratonin re-uptake inhibition, you lose in metabolism.  So now I catch myself focusing more on the fat and the voracious appetite, and the mind over matter tricks aren't working (Drink more water! Eat more protein and fiber!  Take smaller portions! Tried it. NOT WORKING).  It was time to move on, and get off the drugs.  I decided last week not to call in my prescription, and just stop cold turkey. 

My husband and I talked it over, so he's on the same page.  He never liked me taking it anyway - and not just because of the lack of sexual interest side effects, either, although I think he's kind of looking forward to that little readjustment. 

I sort of anticipated that there might be some withdrawal issues, I was thinking maybe moodiness, like extreme PMS or something for a week or so. I was not prepared for the dizziness, nausea, vertigo, hot flashes, or weird brain halos.  Yesterday it hit me like a ton of bricks, and today I can barely sit up without being dizzy and feeling like I'm gonna hurl.  It's like everything you get when you have a migraine - the aura, nausea, light and sound sensitivity extra saliva in your mouth - just without the actual pain of the headache.

I finally today figured out that this must be the withdrawal to the SSRI I've been on.  It's fairly classic, apparently, from the looks of the various health/medical question and answer boards you can find when you consult Dr. Google.  So I just have to hang in there a few more days, maybe a week, and then hopefully the seratonin levels in my brain will re-stabilize.

I was at a very low point a year ago, in so many ways - as a mother, a wife, an employee, a daughter.  I wasn't coping very well, and didn't even know how to.  I needed a Deus Ex Machina, and I got it in the form of Lexapro.  I don't know how I'm going to feel depression-wise in the next few months, but I think I'm better equipped to handle it now than I was a year ago.

If I can just get rid of the copper taste in my mouth...

Nothing to see here.

People, I got nothin. We are on vacation, and apparently that means the ability to form sentences and use brainpower has left the building.  I just typed out and deleted the longest, stupidest, most mundane post I think I've ever written. I mean, there is seriously nothing going on here that anyone gives a crap about. We had a great Christmas, no injuries, plenty of batteries, lots of good food and not too much family. 

Then yesterday it was 60 degrees, dropping to 32 overnight, and last night we had some of the weirdest storms we've seen in a while. Winds up to 80 mph, pouring rain, damage to some parts of the city included trees down, lines down, and windows out.  Bizarre. My parents are still without power, more than 14 hours later.

The most exciting thing I did today was take the stinky dog to the self-wash.  He is now clean, soft and good smelling, although very annoyed.

Tomorrow we are taking a day trip to see some cousins and extended family. At least these people are somewhat interesting in their own right, so maybe I'll have something to write about after that.

So check back with me in a few days, maybe I will have folded and put away 8 loads of laundry or something. I doubt it, though.

Bad Mommy part 2: When Christmas comes early

My husband and I aren't very good at hiding things.  I mean, I have a couple of good places to stash things in my sewing closet where nobody ever goes but me, but the problem is actually putting them in there.

My husband, God love him, can't find his wallet and his phone(s) when trying to get out the door for work most days, so his ability to remember to hide presents is already handicapped.  I mean yesterday, he forgot to take his coat to work. It was like 18 degrees. He said he thought it was already in the car. (He's one of those people that doesn't like to drive while wearing his coat, its too bulky.)  This is the man who bought me a laptop desk for Christmas when he was out running errands in my car, and then left it there, unwrapped. I brought it in the house and said, "Who is this for?" He said, "Shit. Sorry. Merry Christmas, honey."

I am using it right now. At least he's on target with his gift ideas, even if it doesn't make it under the tree.

Anyway, while I tend to be pretty organized most of the time, for some reason around this time of year I take leave of most of my intuitive memory. When getting out the Christmas decorations last month, I stumbled across a box of random small toys that we bought to stuff into the boys' stockings on Christmas Eve, which we clearly forgot to do. At least we have them for this year, you know, when they're totally not into Power Rangers anymore.  Awesome.

This morning, my husband left early for work, and because he knows I cannot drag myself out of bed without help, he set his alarm to go off at 7am so that I would at least have a shot at getting the kids out the door on time.  It was 7:30am by the time I got the boys to sit up in bed so I could dress their half-sleeping bodies.  (The bus comes at 8:05). Drew changed his mind on what he wanted to wear, so I said fine, go into my room and pick a shirt out of what's folded in the basket.  He came downstairs a few minutes later wearing a brand new KU longsleeve t-shirt. That we had bought him for Christmas. 

I looked at him and sighed. "That was supposed to be a present from me and daddy. I ran it through the wash before I was going to wrap it."

He was thrilled. "You did good, Mom!"

So at least he likes it. 

Bad Mommy.

My family is still adjusting to my new job, working at church.  Granted, it's only week two, but already we are seeing some of the fallout.  For years Sunday has been our family dedicated day, where we go to church and then come home for lunch and spend the rest of the day together getting ready for the week. We would cook dinner and actually sit down and have a meal, shower and get ready for bed and read stories, with both of us parents at home and focusing attention on the boys. Basically, I've gone and screwed that up, now that I have to go back to church and lead the high school youth group on Sunday evenings.  And my kids are reacting in the same way they always do when their schedules and expectations get messed up, which is to say, BADLY. 

Anyway, This morning during church the children's choir performed. Drew for some reason has decided he wants nothing to do with the children's choir, I can't get a real answer why out of him. He doesn't like the music selected. He thinks its too hard and he also doesn't feel like he gets enough time to practice and learn it. The new choir director is not the old choir director, who was more playful and less business-like.  Basically he's just decided he's not going to do it, and there's no way we can make him. He agreed to go up and stand there to practice before the service started, all the time stating he was not going to do it once it was time for the real thing.  Finally, I had enough of this little mini-tantrum, so once we were seated and the service was starting, I leaned down to him and said, "Alright, buddy, if you get up there and sing and cooperate and make an effort to look pleasant, I will pay you five bucks."

He thought for a moment.
"Do I have to sing?"
"Yes, You have to sing along, and pay attention to the director, and generally look like you're participating."
"No. I am not going to sing."
"Not even for five bucks?"
"No."
"Drew, you know the song, bud. It's not that hard."
"NO."

I tried a new tactic.
"Okay, how about this, then. How about if you don't go up there, and you continue to sit here and be a grump, then I take away your allowance for this week.  So, your options are, go along with the program and be pleasant about it and get $10 total (allowance plus the bribe) or get NOTHING."
"I will lose my allowance if I don't go up there?"
"Yep. You will get nothing. Nada. All that making your bed and feeding the dog for nothing."

He pondered.  The musical director was motioning for the kids to start lining up.

"Okay, I will go up there, but I'm going to lip-sync. Do I get the money?"
"Only if you sell it, bud. You have to smile, be cooperative and not slouchy and frowny faced. And you have to be singing in the right places, or pretending, WHATEVER, it has to look good."

He went.  He lip-synched.  He also sang, a little, because I could hear him, just barely.  He forgot to not sing.

He got his five bucks.

My husband was furious.  He couldn't believe I resorted to that kind of bribe.  Hey, I said, money talks.  I knew once he got up there he would have fun and sing. He likes to sing, he likes to perform. He was just looking for a way to control me.  It's the same thing he does when he decides he's not going to eat something simply because he's mad about something totally unrelated. And then, I bribe him with dessert.

At least cash doesn't cause cavities.

They have never known the joy of a welfare Christmas.

I know it's not really a holiday song, but lately it has been playing on a loop in my head. Every time I walk past the Salvation Army bell ringer at Wal*Mart, every time someone mentions the recession we are finally able to acknowledge we are in, every time someone mentions a food pantry (which is often when you work at a church during this time of year) That phrase immediately fires up in my brain:

I hate those people who love to tell you
money is the root of all that kills.
They have never been poor,
They have never known the joy
Of a welfare Christmas.

Youtube link here

I generally don't appreciate being lectured at by rock stars, but Everclear got this one right way back when.  They got a lot of political activist type things right, actually, in their music, which I can always appreciate. 

Another song I heard recently for the first time is from P!nk, Dear Mr. President.

Wow. She doesn't usually do it live on tour when in the US, which I can understand.  It's pretty clear to me that if the Dixie Chicks had said what they did now instead of at the beginning, there would have been no backlash, because now we all know what a crock of shit it all was, and economically we are paying the price.

 Years ago, my grandfather told me something important about Presidential politics.  I don't remember him being a very political person, he was kind of quiet and sweet and didn't really get into controversial current event topics much, preferring instead to dig into historical tomes.  But one time he told me, no matter what happens, you don't knock The President of the United States.  You don't talk bad about the person leading the country. You don't have to like him, but you support him, he is our leader.

I've tried to stick to that, believe it or not.  For the past 8 years I have tried not to engage in conversation beyond that I think George W. Bush is an absolute idiot.  There have been many times when I really could have gone off about how crazy and embarrassed the man makes me feel, but I haven't.  Partially out of respect for the office, and partially because I get so angry it's hard to have a decent conversation with someone who wants to defend him, although at this point even the most ardent conservatives I know are sighing in total exasperation.

But, back to Christmas.  So many more people will have a welfare Christmas this year than last. And probably next year, too, it will get worse before it gets better. I'm thankful that we are comfortable, if not a little tight, personally. I'm thankful for the chance to teach my children about poverty and food pantries and soup kitchens and how important it is to help others without experiencing it first hand, like this afternoon when we're taking Drew's cub scout den down to sort donations at Harvesters.  I am thankful for stories like The Grinch Who Stole Christmas and The Polar Express to show them what it means to love, to give, to help. 

I'm thankful to be outside looking in at that life, today.

Pssst..Look, over there! Shiny!

I'm on day 5 of this stupid cold, no end in sight.  Although my husband went to Wal-Mart last night and got me some Afrin, so that I could maybe breathe all night without snoring and keeping him up (because he NEVER snores and wakes me, nooo..) So I did indeed sleep like a rock star last night. And this morning felt slightly better, at least better enough to rise and get the kids out the door without making the bus driver wait for them, and clean up the kitchen and start some laundry. Did I mention the smushed Powerbar in my back jeans pocket?  No? Okay, really quick - because it's not that interesting. Monday morning on my way out the door to the first day of my new job, I happened to notice an unwrapped and half eaten Powerbar sitting on the counter, and thought - hey - I can eat that for lunch!  So I folded the open edge closed and slipped it into my back pocket of my jeans, because I had my hands full of other stuff to take to the car. But then I forgot about it. And rode all the way down to work with the butt warmer on.  And then I went to a meeting, and then it was lunch time and Hey! I have a..oh, wait.

So the right back pocket of my brand new jeans is glued together with strawberry creme Powerbar. Awesome.

Anyway, I actually had a point to this post, which is check out the Being Savvy Kansas City blog tomorrow, where I'm having a give away for hand painted ornaments from my friends at 9mileschoolhouse if you comment your favorite Christmas ornament memory.  So forget about the Powerbar, and think shiny, happy Christmas ornament thoughts. Much better.

G'on, git.

Tumbleweeds.

OH HAI. I just realized my last post was November 23rd.I got distracted what with my in-laws arriving and cooking the Thanksgiving dinner and entertaining and then yesterday I started my new job and then last night Drew got staples in his head. Again.

So we've been a little crazy.  Also, my husband was A LOT crazy with the Black Friday shopping deals and held the laptop hostage for most of last week and the weekend searching for that ultimate deal on things we do not need but they ARE SO CHEAP you can't pass it up. Argh.

I wasn't all that interested in the laptop anyway, as my in-laws wear me out just from the talking football and avoiding politics and the stress management, (lovely people though they are) so I pretty much went to bed each night right after the children.
So. Yesterday I started my new job, I think I mentioned I've taken a position at my church as Interim Youth Director. So far so good, I've cleaned out the office and shredded old budget documents and paystubs of the previous guy who held the position, who was very charming but not the most organized dude you ever met.  And I'm digging into organizing and planning for summer mission trips and so forth.  The kids are great, so it's all good.

Okay, so the staples in the head part.  You may have seen on my twitter status last night that while enjoying a lazy dinner evening at a neighbor's house, Drew bent over too close to a bathroom counter, and then stood up into the corner of the counter, and whacked the back of his head. Apparently it didn't hurt all that badly, because he went back to sitting on the couch and playing the Wii, and then a few minutes later came upstairs to tell us he felt something trickling down the back of his neck and realized his head was bleeding. Um, yeah, dude, it sure is.

So I ran him over to the after-hours urgent care (If you live in the South Overland Park, KS area, I highly recommend After Hours Pediatrics! They were awesome.) And 30 minutes later we were back home and re-heating the dinner that we missed with the addition of one tiny staple in the back of his head. And also a headful of matted, bloody blond hair that kind of looks like he streaked it pink, which we now cannot wash for a few days. It's a nice look.

So that's what I've been up to for the last week or so.  Click over to the Being Savvy Kansas City blog where we're talking about Holiday memories.  And, coming up soon over there, like later this week, I'll be running a contest to receive a free handmade Christmas Ornaments if you cough up your favorite  Ornament story in the comments (you have to register, I think, to comment. It won't kill you.) Stay tuned.