On March 2nd, I was sitting in a teacher inservice meeting, about 10:30 am, when vertigo hit me like a brick to the face. I was just sitting there, kind of bored, listening to this (actually delightful) woman tell us things we mostly already knew about disciplining children without damaging their psyche, when everything started to spin. This isn't a new feeling to me, but it had been a while. I had gone all of January and February feeling great, strong and healthy. I hadn't missed it.
But here it was. I snuck out and took some migraine meds, since for me that is usually what causes the vertigo, and after lunch I started to feel a little better. By late afternoon I was mostly back to normal with just a little bit of residiual visual disruption, like a trail of stars when I turn my head to focus on something else.
But throughout the rest of the week, the vertigo kind of hung around. I had a couple of classic migraine headaches as well - I get both, though not usually at the same time. I went into the doctor thinking I had a sinus infection, got some antibiotics and steroids, expecting to feel better within 24 hours, the usual scenario. That...didn't happen. In fact, the vertigo and dizziness got worse. Most days I had what I call "functional vertigo" or the feeling of walking on a wobbly dock on a lake. I can work with that, most of the time. I move slowly and don't turn my head much, but I can function. But sometimes it would be the full on, knock me on my ass, spinning inside a gyroscope like I'm a load of towels in the dryer kind of vertigo. That kind comes on hard and fast and usually brings with it a panic attack, because I know I'm screwed and can't do anything about it except try to get somewhere away from my students where nobody can see me breakdown into a hyperventilating, crying mess. I don't always make it. My husband had to come pick me up. Its humiliating and scary and I hate it. But I can't stop it. The migraine meds don't work. Nothing works, except going to bed.
Even though the doctors (so many different doctors) all seem to agree it's a form of migraine, it isn't pain that gets me with the vertigo. It's being overwhelmed. It's not being able to stop the turning in my brain. When you ride a roller coaster, you have a harness you can hold onto, some leverage to hold your body against while you whip through the air. Plus it all comes to a halt after a few minutes and you can get off. I don't have that with the vertigo - because I'm not technically whipping through the air on a ride at Disneyland, even though my brain thinks I am. I used to love riding roller coasters, but not anymore. Sometimes when it comes up hard and fast like this I put myself on the floor, you can't fall down if you're already on the floor, you see. Sometimes I try to wedge myself into a corner of a wall, using my sense of touch I can orient myself physically, so that I know I'm not really moving, and it helps to override the spinning messages my brain is receiving. Sometimes that doesn't work. It stuns me, every time, how hard it spins. It takes my breath away. Sometimes all I can do is cry until it backs down again, as it comes in wave after wave. Sometimes I spin so hard that I pass out - another reason I put myself on the floor. Thankfully, these hard and fast acute attacks are much more rare, it's usually the functional kind.
Sometimes, after a long, exhausting day of forcing myself to focus through my day just feeling slightly tipsy but functional, I come home and lay down and relax, close my eyes and let the abyss take over, and just spin. I can't function in the abyss, but if i don't have to, I can relax for a few minutes and just let it spin around. Lately, this is the best that it gets.
Sometimes I can see my heartbeat in the visual distortions, like soundwaves on a monitor. It sounds kinda cool, but it really isn't.
It has now been a month since this particular bout of vertigo began. I've never had it for a month straight, and I've never had it completely unresponsive to meds. None of my usual drug protocols have worked, including migraine meds and multiple high dose prednisone tapers. I spent a couple of days in the hospital on IV meds, it didn't kick it.
I've seen two ENT doctors, a neurologist, my general practitioner, two vestibular physical therapists and my regular physical therapist (my neck is so screwed up from not turning my head it's ridiculous.) I spent my birthday on the couch, dizzy. So far I've spent most of my spring break in bed or on the couch. I can't go to the grocery store, I can't walk the dog around the block, I can't stand in the kitchen long enough to cook something for dinner, much less sit down with my family and eat it. I don't drive except within my super comfortable three square mile zone, and not at night. Any outing I try requires a lay down rest and maybe a nap afterwards.
I'm on some new meds, that three different doctors agree are my best option for kicking this, one of which is an anti-seizure drug that is prescribed off-label for migraines as a preventative. Whether it works to stop something already in progress is anyone's guess. I think that I'm feeling better than I was a couple of weeks ago, but it's hard to tell. I may just be adapting to my new normal.
I do not want this to be my new normal. Yet, here we are. Like a record, baby...
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